Most of us are familiar with the “one another” commands of the New Testament. In the study guide for  Gospel in Life: Grace Changes Everything, Tim Keller offers a helpful taxonomy under the categories of affirming one another, sharing with one another, and serving one another. These form, he says, “nine ‘community-building practices’—specific behaviors that build Christian community.” For a more detailed unpacking of each point, see pp. 58-71.

Affirm

1. Affirm one another’s strengths, abilities, and gifts.

• Romans 12:10: “Honor one another”
• James 5:9: “Don’t grumble against each other”
• Romans 12:3-8: Confirm the gifts of one another

2. Affirm one another’s equal importance in Christ.

• Romans 15:7: “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you”
• 1 Corinthians 12:25: “Have equal concern for each other”
• 1 Peter 5:5: “Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another”
• James 2:1: “Don’t show favoritism”

3. Affirm one another through visible affection.

• Romans 16:16: “Greet one another with a holy kiss”
• James 1:19: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak”
• Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind and compassionate to one another”
• 1 Thessalonians 3:12: “[May] your love increase and overflow for each other”

Share

4. Share one another’s space, goods, and time.

• Romans 12:10: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love”
• 1 Peter 4:9: “Offer hospitality to one another”
• Galatians 6:10: “As we have opportunity, let us do good”

5. Share one another’s needs and problems.

• Galatians 6:2: “Carry each other’s burdens”
• 1 Thessalonians 5:11: “Encourage one another”
• Hebrews 3:13: “Encourage one another daily”

6. Share one another’s beliefs, thinking, and spirituality.

• Colossians 3:16: “Teach and admonish one another”
• Ephesians 5:19: “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs”
• Romans 12:16: “Live in harmony with one another”
• 1 Corinthians 1:10: “Agree with one another”

Serve

7. Serve one another through accountability.

• James 5:16: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other”
• Romans 15:14: “Instruct one another”
• Ephesians 4:25: “Speak truthfully”

8. Serve one another through forgiveness and reconciliation.

• Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love”
• Colossians 3:13: “Forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another”
• Galatians 5:25: Don’t provoke or envy one another
• James 4:11: “Do not slander one another”
• Matthew 5:23-24; 18:15: Reestablish broken relationships with one another

9. Serve one another’s interests rather than our own.

• Hebrews 10:24: “spur one another on toward love and good deeds”
• Romans 15:1-2: Don’t please yourself but please others
• Galatians 5:13: “Serve one another”

From Justin Taylor

From a three part series written by Jonathan Dodson

Listen to Their Story

Ask Good Questions

• Can you elaborate on that?
• How did that happen?
• How does that make you feel?
• Did you feel alone or supported?
• Were you afraid or confident?
• How did you respond?
• How are you feeling now?
• What concerns you the most about this?

Listen in order to Speak Gospel Encouragement

• What grace can you affirm in their life?
  • That’s a really helpful insight.
  • It’s been so challenging to hear you talk about your neighbor
• What victory can you celebrate?
  • We’ve seen God answer your prayer for less people pleasing
  • Isn’t it awesome how God provided this job for you?
• What progress have you seen in their faith?
  • You are fighting depression really well
  • I’ve really seen you grow in this area
• What are some ways you do this?

Move the Conversation Along Deliberately

• Develop Sermon Discussion Questions: Progress from 1) anyone can answer to 2) a challenge 3) the deeper heart idol or lie 4) what needs to change 5) How the Bible shows us we can change. Lead discussions by trying to guide people roughly through this progression.

• Ask Transitional Questions:
  • Follow up off-base or incorrect comments with “What do you guys think?”
  • Anyone else relate to or struggle with that?
  • Tom, we haven’t heard from you, what do you think?
  • Nate, can you hold onto that comment so we can hear from someone else who hasn’t shared tonight?
  • Allow silence…
  • What are some ways you do this?

Discern Their Story

Empathize with Their Story

• Are you discouraged? Where are you doubting?
• That is so difficult. Ugh!
• Does anyone else struggle with that?
• Can we pray for you right now?
• Bring up the issue in the next meeting.

Discern the Heart

To have good gospel conversations, we need to help people discern their heart in the midst of their life story. We discern by relying on the Spirit and the Word to see our heart motivations in our stories. Be sure to communicate your love and acceptance regardless of their struggle and make sure they know that you have heard their story.

• In that situation I would be tempted to blame my co-worker, what about you guys?
• Is there a subtle lie you might be believing here?
• What do you want most out of the situation?
• What are you longing for?
• Where do you feel like you were wronged?
• What is most important to you in that moment?

Additional Questions to Discern Idols of the Heart (adapted from Counterfeit Gods).

• Where are you spending your money?
• Where does your imagination take you? What do you daydream about?
• Where are your emotions uncontrollable? What do you find yourself longing for, angry over, fearful of? There is your idol.
• How do you respond to unanswered prayers or dashed hopes?

Redemptively Retell their Story

Apply the Gospel to Your Own Story

• Be a Lead Repenter. It is important that the leader be a “lead repenter” when answering heart-penetrating questions. This does not mean you are always the first to answer the question; however, it does mean that you come to the gathering ready to share how the Spirit has lead you into repentance in your own life. Lead repenting begins at home in your heart and naturally carries over in how you lead during gatherings. Be bold with your brokenness and invite words of correction and encouragement.
  • Confess Your Own Sin & Idolatry: ask for prayer, help, encouragement
  • Apply the Gospel to Yourself: So often we become focused on discerning the wounds and cracks in others hearts that we forget to apply the gospel to our own hearts first. EX: Parenting. Let your CG see you apply the healing balm of the gospel to your own wounds. This will dissolve a self-righteous hierarchy as well as show them how to apply the gospel to their own lives.

• Lead with Grace. In redemptively retelling others’ stories the goal is not to publically rebuke, but rather, to graciously point them through their circumstances to Christ in the midst of their struggle.

Ways to Lead with the Gospel

Listen and Empathize with a person’s story and then Retell their story back to them but with a twist of redemption. Don’t take sides, but infuse the Redeemer’s Story into their life.  Do it in a fresh way that reveals that Jesus is not a wonder cure, but that he is crucial and concrete to her life. Show how Jesus is the only key to fit the lock of their problems. How then can we redemptively retell their story? How can we lead people well in the Gospel?

• Sometimes say Nothing. At times, no words are needed. While sharing a person will often verbally correct their wrong motives and actions. If that is the case, you can simply affirm them in their conclusions and point them to Jesus who is sufficient for their failures and strong for their successes. See Christ, not hear Christ.

• Graciously expose Lies. Ask them if there is a lie they might believing. As sin surfaces, it is very tempting to either shift the blame or dismiss the sin.

• Blame-shifting. We are often tempted to lay blame on our circumstances. For instance, we might blame our sexual sin or over-eating on the absence of a girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse. We might explain our anger by saying “It’s the Kids fault. Childcare situation.” Angry or depressed because you aren’t marred, so you say: “There are too many married people in this group/church. No one my age.” When blame shifting occurs, you can ask the group in general “Do guys really think Jane is gossiping because she only has one trusted friend?”
• Sin-skirting. As a community that speaks the truth in love, we have an obligation to not allow one another to skirt sin, to glaze with moralism or indifference. For example: “Yeah, I’d be angry too.” “It will get better.” “Don’t be a doormat!”

In order to make the gospel turn from listening and discerning the heart, we have to point one another to a better God, a better promise, a superior Savior. At this point in the conversation, draw the community’s attention to the gospel in the passage.

• Point to Gospel Promises & Stories
  • How does our passage address your heart issues? Look for heart, idol, lie, deceit, worship, passion, love language.
  • What alternative promise does Scripture offer us? Jesus is a better Satisfaction, Intimacy, Joy, Defender, Advocate, Lover, Counselor.
  • Can you think of any Bible stories, parables, promises or truths that would help us here?
  • How does the gospel address this?
  • How does Jesus supplant and replace our idol of success? We know Jesus is better but “How”?
  • How is Jesus better than X?

• The Four G’s (from You Can Change, Chester)

• 1. God is Great so we don’t have to be in control
• 2. God is Glorious so we don’t have to fear others
• 3. God is Good so we don’t have to look elsewhere
• 4. God is Gracious so we don’t have to prove ourselves

Before the Service

• Read the passage in advance
• Pray for the gathering
• Greet newcomers (act like you are the host)
• Think strategically about who you should sit with
• Arrive Early

During the Service

• Sing with gusto (even if you can’t sing)
• Help with logistics (if there’s a problem, help fix it)
• Don’t be distracted
• Listen carefully
• Be aware of your facial expressions (you may affect others and discourage preachers)

After the Service

• Connect newcomers with others
• Get newcomers information
• Start a conversation about the sermon
• Ask someone how they became a Christian
• Stay late

From Mike McKinley

Pray with her for her out loud.

Read [and reflect on] the passage preached last Sunday.

Read [and reflect on] the passage being preached this Sunday.

Pray with her for others.

From Brian Croft at Practical Shepherding

Sojournkids.com comes through again with a great article on reducing separation anxiety when dropping kids off for children’s worship at church. I appreciate their desire to serve families and their specific instructions to parents, like “During the week prior to the service, parents will need to repeat a simple phrase, repeatedly using the same words to encourage your child about attending SojournKids.” I also really dig that the people who minister to the children are called SojournKids servants, and not workers or helpers. Here’s a quote reflecting this

The Sojourn servants are willing to love and serve both you and your children during this season of parenting adjustment.  They are serving in SojournKids because they desire to care for your children and so that you can attend a worship gathering without having to care for your child.  They love your child, and that is why they are serving in this ministry.  Allow us to minister to YOU so that YOU are free to worship the One, True and Living God!

The comments at the end of the post make clear the value to the parents and also the selflessness of the SojournKids servants. There is much to be learned and to model.

Sin is a heart issue that often manifests itself in external behaviors. To kill sin we must get to the heart of the matter. I have found it helpful to ask personalized gospel-centered questions to uncover the deep-rooted idolatries of my heart. Because we encounter temptation and sin in different ways, personalized questions can be very helpful in leading us to repentance and faith in Jesus.

How can we formulate these questions? Here are a few things to consider when probing the heart:

Personality Type

Are you naturally an introvert or extrovert? Do you get angry easily? Are you a Type “A” individual, constantly focused on completing your to-do list? Are you passive or shy? Knowing a person’s personality will help you penetrate their heart.

Consider someone who is a naturally strong-willed achiever. They might have the tendency to treat their spirituality in the same way. It becomes more about what they can do for Jesus than what He has already done for them.

Ask questions that are specific to their personality:

• Are you trusting in your own strength or in the strength of Jesus?
• Are you striving for God or resting in God?
• Are you fighting well against finding your worth in your work to finding your worth in Jesus?

Reccurring Outside Influences

What are the reccurring situations and circumstances that offer the most temptation? Are there people who you struggle to love? Are there times when you work late or are alone for extended periods of time?

Consider the person who has an unruly neighbor. One who is constantly nagging or creating trouble for the family. Ask questions in light of the situation:

• How are you loving “Bob” well?
• Do you see “Bob” as a problem or a person made in the image of God?
• Are you asking Jesus to grant you patience and genuine love?
• Do you know where Bob could use prayer? Have you offered to pray for him?

Tendencies Toward Sin

Where have you struggled in the past? What are the areas of habitual sin? We all have vices. Sin that gets the best of us is the sin we must fight hardest against.

Consider the man who is gluttonous. He might be fighting well, but still has a strong temptation to find fulfillment by indulging in too much food and drink.

Ask sin-specific questions that do not promote legalism:

• Are you being intoxicated with grace or with alcohol?
• Are you being satisfied with Christ or with food this week?
• What is consuming your thoughts: Food or Christ?

These questions evolve with our relationships. The more you know the men or women in your Fight Club the easier it is to prod at the heart and uncover the sin beneath the sin. Make a habit of asking one another personalized, gospel-centered questions. As you do, you will cut sin off at the root and turn to see Christ in the height of his glory!

It is important to note that just asking questions isn’t enough. Our questions must turn the corner and point others to the truth of the gospel. Only surfacing sin without bringing the hope of the Gospel produces wounded Christians. It is necessary to know your sin but only so that you can fight your sin and trust and enjoy your Savior.

From JT Caldwell at GospelCenteredDiscipleship.com

I would say in most cases No. Kevin DeYoung brings up some good questions to think about before canceling your corporate worship

1. Consider practically if this is a good strategy. I know in our church if we skipped worship one Sunday we’d miss a lot of visitors. What if the one Sunday you’re out raking leaves is the one Sunday three non-Christian friends decide to check out your church, or the Sunday that one of your members was bringing in her non-Christian family, or the Sunday that a fringe member was going to venture back to church? Maybe you just miss these folks one week. That happens. But at least consider if the “out serving” strategy could prevent you from serving the people you are actually trying to reach.

2. Consider if there is good (or any) historical precedence for routinely canceling your worship service. Did not the apostolic church meet weekly on the first day of the week (1 Cor. 16:2), even renaming the day “the Lord’s Day” because of its unique significance (Rev. 1:10)? Not long after, Justin Martyr explained that “On the day which is called Sunday, all who live in the cities or in the countryside gather together in one place” to hear the word read and taught, communion celebrated, and prayers offered with thanksgiving. Granted, in some contexts (I’m thinking the Muslim world) Sunday worship may not be possible. But even there the Christians are still gathering for weekly worship. Given the tremendous weight of church history and apostolic example, we should have pretty good reasons for ditching the worship service in order to do something else.

3. Consider that all of life is worship, but corporate worship is still unique. Paul told the Corinthians to “do all to the glory of God” (1 Cor. 10:31), but he also recognized there was something unique about the Corinthian community when they “come together as a church” (11:18). Sunday is the Lord’s Day, a day for rejoicing in the Lord’s resurrection. This calls for “worship worship” as opposed to “all of life worship.” There’s a distinction between being the church and being “in church” (1 Cor. 14:19). Six days are for work, but on only one day do we gather to worship. Think of what you are missing when you make that day for worshiping by serving others instead of being served by God in worship.

4. Consider what it may communicate when you replace services with serving. It sounds like a good idea: let’s do something for the community instead of going to church for ourselves. But ultimately we worship because God summons us to worship. It is for ourselves (see below), but it is also for God. He commands it. So why cancel it instead of something else? But why not do the soup kitchen on Saturday or pump people’s gas on Friday night? I suppose it’s possible you can have some meaningful conversations explaining why you are a Christian and not in church. But it also seems quite likely that churches replace Sunday services with Sunday serving because that’s the time they are already meeting. It’s the best time to get most of your people doing something and it doesn’t require any more time out of their week. Except for doctors, police officers and the like serving in their professions, are there really service projects the church has to do on Sunday morning?

5. Consider that corporate worship is a means of grace. Theologians have always considered the right preaching of the word and the right administration of the sacraments to be channels of divine blessing. So why rob our people of grace? Isn’t the easy removal of a weekly worship service an indication that our view of worship is too puny? We’ve come to think of Sunday morning as a few songs and a little (or long) talk. We’ve forgotten that corporate worship, however small or feeble, is a reflection of the glorious worship offered continuously by saints and angels and creatures and elders. We’ve forgotten that the Lord’s Supper and Baptism are more than rituals. They are rivulets of grace. We’ve forgotten that a sermon is not a lecture but Christ speaking to us. Why would we want to skip all this? Why would we think that shutting this down for a week is the best way to serve a needy world? We can worship God by serving our neighbors, but once a week we are called to serve our neighbors by worshiping God.

For most, the answer is no. Dustin Nickerson, one of my Re:Train cohort brothers, recently wrote an article on The Resurgence talking about Mars Hill’s move away from a big Youth Group party (with maybe a little Bible) to discipleship in small community. Challenging article and one that should be read by all Christians, but particular those in youth ministry.

“Does this church even have a youth ministry?”

I hear this question all the time, from Mars Hill members, visitors, and people who have never set foot within our doors. And the short answer to the question is “no.” At least not what most people would consider a youth ministry.

What’s really being asked is “Does this church gather all its teenagers on Wednesday nights, have monthly lock-ins, go on summer mission trips to Mexico, and have attractional, flashy, and really expensive winter and summer retreats?” The answer is a gentle, but emphatic, “no.” Not anymore. Why? Three reasons:

1. Statistically, it isn’t working.
2. Discipleship as seen in Scripture is minimal.
3. The Holy Spirit told us to do otherwise.

The Statistics Say It All

The term “working” might be a little nebulous, but youth pastors know those stats. We know that somewhere between 60–80% of teens who are active in churches stop going altogether in their twenties. Yet many churches still cling to this model created decades ago, hoping they will be the exception.

Look at the students in your chairs. If you were convinced that six out of ten were going to leave the church once they go to college, would you stick with what you’re doing? The point of all ministry is disciple-making. Ask yourself, Youth Pastor, does that happen on a Wednesday night through your games, skits, teen worship band, videos, and 20-minute message?

Discipleship Is Crucial

A little over a year ago, it became absolutely clear that I was leading a ministry that wasn’t focused on making disciples. My leaders had a heart to disciple, but how could they in 90 minutes that were filled with programming? Any disciple-making that I or my leaders were doing was extracurricular.

We had to get into the lives of our students.

Wednesday night groups were cancelled. As opposed to everyone coming together, we broke into community groups spread throughout our region and connected by gender and geography. Suddenly, our students’ “youth group” experience was 5-10 other teenagers meeting in a home with two adult leaders wrestling through the Scriptures, bearing burdens (Galatians 6:2), confessing sins and praying for each other (James 5:16), teaching and admonishing (Colossians 3:16), and rebuking one another (2 Timothy 3:16).

Suddenly, discipleship started happening—every week.

Change as the Holy Spirit Guides You

I’ve grown sick of attractional youth ministry. These ministries eat up huge chunks of the budget, their pastors are under immense pressure, and at times, their satisfaction in Jesus varies with the number of teenagers that show up on a given Wednesday night. I know because I’ve been there.

And the Holy Spirit guided us elsewhere. I can’t overstate this point. There was real conviction when I examined the ministry that God had entrusted to me. I was restless and burdened, knowing something had to change. God confirmed this in the heart of other key leaders, several parents, and my head pastor as well when I shared the burden with them.

And so we changed. But there is no perfect youth group playbook or set of procedures to follow if you want it all to “work.” The only perfect model is to walk daily in the Spirit, to be faithful to his leading in your life as a youth pastor, and to examine the Scriptures and let them be authoritative in how you decide to build your ministry.

1. Strengths for Success
   • Make your fight clubs relationally driven not programmatic.
   • Reinforce the necessity of gospel-centered DNA as many ways as possible (sermons, articles, blogs, www.gospelcentereddiscipleship.com, tweets, trainings).
   • Groups that meet regularly experience much deeper gospel change (At least every other week is key)  .
   • Address fight club pitfalls regularly from pulpit/seminars. They can turn into gossip clubs, cheap grace clubs, legalism clubs, non-existent clubs. Show how and why the gospel leads to different, better groups.
   • Talk about fight clubs as an integral part of your church, i.e. Our church is about Sundays, City Groups, and Fight Clubs.
   • Do Fight Club stories from the front, where people share how the gospel has shaped them in community.
2. Challenges We Face
   • Default mode of the heart (legalism and license). Pastor, teach, pray, equip for gospel-centered living. Never weary of it. It is your life calling.
   • It gets messy when people are getting that deep and close. Be prepared for a spike in counseling support.
   • People tend to slip off from making Text-Theology-Life central in FC meetings, which is how you keep the gospel central. Otherwise, you end up relying on second-hand gospel sayings and old Bible verses, not fresh words from the Spirit and promises from God. When this happens, the gospel loses its center of gravity and discipleship its joy. When people start, not with how the Spirit is changing them through the Word, but how they are struggling in life, they inevitably begin to leave the gospel to end, displacing it from the center. Start with the Word, keep it central, and allow it to shape your time, not your life experience to shape your time.
   • Infrequency of meeting lead to loss of value, gospel-centrality, and godly discipleship.
3. Indefinite Duration of Groups
   • Indefinite because they are based on friendships not community. They are selective relationships of trust, gathered around Jesus that should endure.
   • If a group must break apart, honesty, confession, repentance, and encouragement should all inform that process, those relationships. Running away from people who are different is running towards convenience not Christ.

From Justin at GopspelCenteredDiscipleship.com

First 9Marks gave us the Do-It-Yourself Marriage Retreat, which was great for Julie and I. Now, they’ve given us the Man-Treat “Diagnostic Weekend”. I’ve always struggled with having close male friendships and keeping in regular communication.  The Man-Treat would be amazing to do regularly with some brothers-in-Christ as a way to reconnect, encourage, and challenge each other.

The idea of this document is to guide your morning quiet time and reflection and to foster your evening conversations.  The goal is to scan your life, talk thoughtfully with other brothers who love you and know you well and to emerge with a practical plan for a) playing offense (e.g. what do I need to start doing to grow in my faith and to exercise faithfulness in the spheres of responsibilities you’ve been given) and b) playing defense (e.g. in what areas is sin creeping in and you need to aggressively fight it).

Pray before and during your time – so that a spirit of grace, charity, encouragement and trust in God’s faithfulness permeates your time.

Highlights of your past year

• Remember the past year.  Note any highlights (chronological and social), including highpoints and low points.
• Our God is a God of providence (Gen 50: 19; Rom 8:28), who brings all things into our life for our good. Reflect on what the events of the past year have taught you about God, yourself, your spouse, etc.
• Reflect on and list at least three ways you can give thanks to God for blessings of the past year.

Sphere 1: Personal Discipleship

• In general, how are you doing spiritually?  How has your love for God grown?  Has your love for others grown? If so, how?
• How is your devotional time going? (Specifically Scripture study & prayer) What are you reading and learning in your quiet times right now? What do you want to accomplish in QTs in this upcoming year?
• Has your life been governed increasingly by God’s Word?  Is there another spiritual discipline that you would like to develop? (fasting, scripture memorization, etc.)
• Do you still grieve over sin? (Whitney)
• Name one sin that you continue to struggle with.  What could I do to help you with this struggle?
• How are you growing in the characteristics of being a godly man (I Tim 3:1-7)
  • above reproach
  • temperate
  • self-controlled
  • respectable
  • hospitable
  • able to teach
  • not given to drunkenness
  • not violent but gentle
  • not quarrelsome
  • not a lover of money
  • manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect
  • good reputation with outsiders
• How are you doing managing your health and eating?
• How are you doing managing your finances?  Are you tithing?  Do you have debt?  What are you doing to eliminate it?

Sphere 2: Husbanding

• How is your marriage going?
• Name 3 things that bring you joy about your wife?
• What are you tempted to struggle with about your wife and your marriage?
• Are you getting home at a consistent time?  Are you prioritizing date nights?
• How can you improve in your communication with your wife?
• Are you fostering romance, intimacy and sex?
• How can you improve as a leader in your marriage?

Sphere 3: Parenting

• Name one thing about each of your children that brings you great joy.  What are each of your kids struggling with? What can you do to shepherd them through these struggles?
• Are you spending quality time with each of your children?  What makes it difficult to do this?
• Do you spend time in family worship?  What could you do to make this a more consistent part of your family diet?
• In general, how are you doing raising your children? What can you do to improve your parenting? – What do you want to keep the same and what do you want to change in order to shepherd your kids well spiritually?

Sphere 4: Church/Ministry

• What ministries did you participate in this past year?
• Who are you discipling? And, who is your accountability partner?
• What should be your ministry goals for this upcoming year (i.e., Bible study, hospitality and fellowship, charity work/support)?
• Do you delight in being involved in church? If so, name one thing about our church that currently brings you great joy.  Name one thing that would increase your joy in church?
• How can you be an encouragement to the elders and staff at our church?
• How can you foster greater unity in our church?

Sphere 5: Vocation/Work

• How is your current work situation?
• Are you working too many hours?  Are you traveling too much?  Are you working smart and/or wasting time during your workday with personal distractions?
• Are you having any work conflicts?  How can you see your pride, arrogance and ego contributing to these?
• Are you being faithful in your workplace?  How do you see that you are working to “the glory of God”?
• What opportunities do you have for advancement?  What toll might these new responsibilities place on your life, family and ministry?   How are you applying biblical wisdom to these decisions?
• Are you in a place that you can see as your long-term calling?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?  10 years?